Not long ago, I spent the afternoon with a friend who was
watching her 9-month-old nephew, “Theo.”
For most of the afternoon, we pushed Theo around in his stroller,
let him walk around when he expressed the desire to move, and generally went
about our day, but with a small child in tow. I was impressed by the respect
and care my friend showed to her nephew.
But at one point, Theo was crawling around on my friend’s bed,
minding his own baby business, when my friend decided she wanted to pick him
up. She scooped him up, made some “baby noises,” hugged him, then put him back
down. Sounds innocent enough. This surely happens all the time to babies around
the world. Adults are constantly touching kids. So, what’s the problem?
Here’s the issue: In that moment, Theo didn’t want to be picked
up. He didn’t even want to be touched. He made that clear in the way he
struggled and softly cried out. He was crawling around and didn’t want to
be bothered, and especially didn’t want to be moved and held against his will.
But many adults, when they feel like holding a baby, just do it –
regardless of the child’s wishes.
In fact, this phenomenon isn’t unique to babies. Children
of nearly all ages – but especially younger children – are regularly touched
without their consent. Whether it’s an aunt or uncle tousling a child’s
hair, a grandparent demanding a hug, or a parent picking up a child on a whim,
adults frequently do not respect the bodily autonomy of young people.
But of course, we all know the importance of physical touch. Touch
is a crucial part of healthy child development. And certainly there are human
relationships – with solid foundations of trust and communication – where
spontaneous touching is encouraged.
My point is that often children are touched even when this type of
relationship is not in place. Or, even if there is a loving, trusting,
touch-filled relationship – the child may not want to be touched at that moment.
So, when is it okay to touch children?
The same rules should apply as with touching adults: only when
they consent (limited, of course, by age of
consent laws) and when it is otherwise appropriate.
As I noticed while watching my friend’s nephew struggle against
being held by a loving relative, children effectively express their
desires and wishes even before they can verbally communicate.
It’s usually clear when children want to be held or touched. They
often reach out or cry out. But if children don’t express a need – if they are
content with their own activities – then adults should, in general, not touch
them. We need to trust that kids will express their needs for physical touch
when it is appropriate for them.
Whenever possible, adults should ask children for permission to
enter kids’ personal space. Just like we should with other
adults.
Of course, just like with adults, there are exceptions for
imminent health and safety concerns. If a child is about to walk into traffic;
if an infant needs their diaper changed; or if a child won’t swallow
life-saving medicine, then nonconsensual touching may be appropriate. But in
those situations, it should be temporary and only done to the extent necessary.
It’s important that adults respect children’s autonomy and bodily
integrity. It’s important that kids learn from a young age that their
personal space matters. And it’s important that kids know consent
matters.
If there is one takeaway from this post, it is this: In
general, don’t touch people who don’t want to be touched, and don’t
assume anyone wants to be touched.